Not the News

The Channel 98 (Ashland's number one rated 24-hour a day school news outlet) slide that led to an examination of conscience.

School Lunch Menu Miscue Creates Ruckus

FOX News, Offering Fair and Balanced Coverage of Bill O'Reilly's Opinions, Promises Full Investigation; Chris Matthews Counters with Plans to Loudly Tie Ruckus to Conservative Conspiracy

October 06, 2007

An effort by the A-G hot lunch staff to promote International Friendship Week by featuring fun meals from other countries recently sparked considerable national controversy. As soon as the lunch menu for Monday, October 8, appeared on Channel 98 (Ashland's number one rated 24-hour a day school news outlet), the protests began.

In an ironic twist, opposition to the Open Pit Panda entree brought together various forces normally at odds with one another. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals Other Than Humans (PETAOTH), the American Beef Producers Lobby (ABPL), Chicken Is What We Do (CIWWD), Pork Is What Everyone Else Does (PIEED), and the relatively unknown American Snails for Americans (ASA) joined forces to create People Opposed to Open Pit Panda (acronym pending), an umbrella group dedicated to getting panda off the menu at Ashland-Greenwood.

People Opposed to Open Pit Panda offered a number of strongly worded arguments: (1) Pandas are so cute and cuddly it is a shame to do anything other than have them stuffed and mounted; (2) Pandas will never be what's for dinner for Americans who honor the flag as opposed to those who side with Red China on what to eat; (3) If you want something that tastes like chicken, eat chicken; (4) Pork--even the by-products are tasty; and, (5) Whoa, slow down a minute and have some snails. Protesters waving signs blocked entryways to AGHS, vowing not to leave until Panda was pulled from the menu (or until water cannons were brought in).

The Channel 98 (Ashland's number one rated 24-hour a day school news outlet) slide that hurriedly appeared in response to really noisy protestors, most of whom had not bathed for several weeks.

In the face of such massive resistance, cooks arranged for a quick menu change and administrators re-arranged the day to address the obvious emotional defects existing among A-G students and staff. In a tersely worded statement, hot lunch staff attempted to make up for their lack of political correctness: "We sincerely apologize for the hard-hearted insensitivity shown by placing Open Pit Panda on the school lunch menu. We erroneously believed that students and staff would enjoy the slow-roasted flavor of panda continuously basted with a special barbecue sauce that is both sweet and sassy while at the same time coming to appreciate the culture and traditions of an ancient civilization. Our bad.

"As punishment for our collective mistake, we have forced ourselves to consume all of the Open Pit Panda--but we didn't like it all that much after the first ten helpings. Be assured that we have learned our lesson and will not be featuring Peacock Fingers, Spotted Owl Soup, or Rainforest- Frog-on-a-Stick in the weeks to come. We will also likely be canceling our special Tribute to Jonathan Swift meal.

Bob the Panda, accompanied by his sister Bonnie, in happier times.

"Finally, to the family of Bob the Panda, we extend our condolences and stand ready to meet with you at the fire pit of your choice to make amends."

School Lunch Menu Miscue Creates Ruckus

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Date	Subject	Posted by:
01/14/2008	This is so funny. Who wrote this?...	Mary Chapman
01/28/2008	That is hilarious. Who wrote that?	Jack Iksrowaj
02/28/2008	My guess is Mr. Bentzen! Could I be...	Carrie Widger